Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Message from the Front of Universal Brotherly Amish Redemption (FUBAR)

This is Skip Rino and my camera man Flip Progressive from Faked News, fair and unbalanced. We are here, reporting exclusively, from the secret bunker of the Front of Universal Brotherly Amish Redemption, or FUBAR. This bunker, this command center, once a humble barn, still with the smell of carbon dioxide rich horse droppings, is now the nerve center of the fight for a new Amish Enclave.

We were met at our hotel, in the middle of the night, just outside of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and blind folded and driven for many hours, until brought here, some where in the unrecognized Enclave of the Amish. We are now seated across from the stern figure of Otto Thurgisson, undisputed leader and mullah...er prayer leader of the FUBAR, their spiritual father, one may say...oh, I'm corrected, by Otto..er Otto Thurgisson, my apologies for not using your full name, the spiritual leader of FUBAR. Behind him stand two burly Amish guards, their long, heavy beards, dark cloths and large hats only add to the air of controlled violence that their long knives and assault rifles, create.

Mr...Prayer Leader Otto Thurgisson, I understand that you are claiming responsibility for the Times Square bomb?

OT: Yes Heir Skep Riano, yes, ve are. No one else haz and ve vill be blamed regardless, so ve might az vell.

SR: So what is it that you are fighting for?

OT: Vhy ve de Amish want nothing more than world vide peace, peace that the Holy God wants. Ve vill have it, too....even if ve have to conquer the whole of the world. First though, we want autonomy for our Enclave and rekognition of our human rights from the papists and protestants.

SR: Yes, yes, that is all fine and such, but why, after so many hundreds of years, have you gone violent. I though pacifism was your role.

OT: Our role was to be beaten and pushed around, vell no more. First dey run us out o Deutchland, bekause ve vere neutral while they fight der Thirty Years Var. Den they beat up on us and call us silly names here! Now dey klose our farms for not using their evil technology to burn our milk dead....the unholiness of that!

SR: So it was all persecution, right? Why not protest?

OT: Protest you say? We are working folk, we have work, and taking a buggy to a protest to DC is a long ride. Besides, vhat about those Tea Party bunch? Dey protest and dey make fun signs, but other den a hobby, the power of Ceasar does not give a da...hoot about none of it.
And ve vatch the moon worshippers, the Allahians, they blow things up and dey get attention and respekt. Dey get der demands. So ve starts to talking and ve figure, since the Unholy in Washengtan vont ever admit the Allahians do vhat the Allahians do and blame it always on us Amish, ve might az vell start our own Struggle!

SR: But...but...being a peaceful folk, or rather a former peaceful folk, how did you go about becoming terro...er milita...er malconte....er upset?

OT: Vhy et vas dem Allahian boys vit the girl robes, from Saudia Rabia or Rabita...ur Rabed yes yes, Saudia Rabid. De tellz us dey have some extra monies and dez nice guns dat our enemies of DC gave dem. So dey give em to us and give us dez really good pamphlets and videos, thou ve own no televisions, on how to blow thangs up.

SR: Hmmm, so you seem to have a rather bright future ahead of you. Just remember, if anyone questions you, scream racism and call us, we'll be fair and unbalanced, since the we are also 40% owned by Saudia Rabid. But really, we are just as bad...er good, as the rest of the networks, but we have a different niche to sell our books.

So good luck....and remember, blow up at least one school in Russia, at least for appearance sake. Those Orthodox are always bad news.


Looney said...

Being from the Amish area, you had me wondering where I might find a Russian Orthodox church. It turns out that it is just up the road in Reading, Pennsylvania. My sister went to one and said she felt a bit like a fish out of water, but I should at least give one a visit some time.

Pervych said...

Конечно, эти секты, в довольно нецелых образом, поддерживать определенные аспекты христианской цивилизации, но они в основном проклятые красные коммунисты несколько сотен лет назад!!!

David B. Carvalho said...

What an odd article!

But the USA is really FUBAR.

Pervych said...

P.S. "dey run us out o Deutchland, bekause ve vere neutral while they fight der Thirty Years Var."???
Проклятая ложных иреницс отказаться от борьбы со злом (т.е. мусульманин, что вторжение было подавлено веков назад!!!) И, таким образом, сообщников с коллегами гностиков!!!

Pervych said...

Sve satira na stranu, ako se bilo koji od prljave sekti dozvoljeno korijena u 'prethodno komunističkoj zemlji', sve sve sve crvene pogreške bit će konzerviran i napredne!!!Apsolutno!!! BOG KLETVE IH SVE!!!

jack said...

More believable than Al Qaeda.l

If you think Fox news or (Faux News as it is sometimes termed) is bad concerning Russia you should check out the media here in the UK especially Channel 4.

Good article Stas.

Actually during the 90's the US set up jihadist training camps in the US for Bosnian jihadists and probably Chechen to (there interlinked any way) which at least we know British SAS were training Chechen and Albanian fighters between 97-2000 in Turkey.
Mr Babar Ahmed who ran Azzam publications who was Khattab and Basayeav personal webmaster and had direct contacts (he tried to arrange a personal meeting with Basayeav and one of his sites financiers) tried to set up a Chechen terrorist training camp in Oregon.
US is trying to extradite him on charges for supporting Taliban forces against the US and trying to set up the Oregon camp.

Britain has done everything possible of course to stop his extradition.

MI6 agent? Wouldn’t be the first one.

The Saudi Al-Haramain Islamic Foundation already had a presence in Oregon setting up “prayer meetings” and other organisations/events for jihadists in Chechnya.

Not that they need them in the US anyway they pulled of Beslan in Sarajevo.

US v. Ahmad

[DCT] In October 2004, Babar Ahmad was indicted on multiple counts, including conspiracy to provide material support to the Taliban. The indictment alleges that Ahmad used websites to promote jihad.


US v. Al-Haramain Islamic Foundation, et al.

[DOR] In February 2005 a federal grand jury charged Al Haramain Islamic Foundation and two of its employees, Pirouz Sedaghaty and Soliman Al-Buthe, with bank fraud, tax evasion, and money laundering. Various branches of the Saudi-based charity were designated by the US in June 2004 based on evidence of the charity's ties to al Qaeda. The US-based branch of the charity in Ashland, Oregon, along with one of its directors, Suliman Al-Buthe, was designated in September 2004. A November 2008 ruling supported the US Treasury Department's determination that the Islamic charity was controlled by and provided support to designated terrorists.


Links are to many to post here so you will have to click on each of the indictment evidence yourself.

Check it out Stas.