Message from the Front of Universal Brotherly Amish Redemption (FUBAR)

This is Skip Rino and my camera man Flip Progressive from Faked News, fair and unbalanced. We are here, reporting exclusively, from the secret bunker of the Front of Universal Brotherly Amish Redemption, or FUBAR. This bunker, this command center, once a humble barn, still with the smell of carbon dioxide rich horse droppings, is now the nerve center of the fight for a new Amish Enclave.

We were met at our hotel, in the middle of the night, just outside of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and blind folded and driven for many hours, until brought here, some where in the unrecognized Enclave of the Amish. We are now seated across from the stern figure of Otto Thurgisson, undisputed leader and mullah...er prayer leader of the FUBAR, their spiritual father, one may say...oh, I'm corrected, by Otto..er Otto Thurgisson, my apologies for not using your full name, the spiritual leader of FUBAR. Behind him stand two burly Amish guards, their long, heavy beards, dark cloths and large hats only add to the air of controlled violence that their long knives and assault rifles, create.

Mr...Prayer Leader Otto Thurgisson, I understand that you are claiming responsibility for the Times Square bomb?

OT: Yes Heir Skep Riano, yes, ve are. No one else haz and ve vill be blamed regardless, so ve might az vell.

SR: So what is it that you are fighting for?

OT: Vhy ve de Amish want nothing more than world vide peace, peace that the Holy God wants. Ve vill have it, too....even if ve have to conquer the whole of the world. First though, we want autonomy for our Enclave and rekognition of our human rights from the papists and protestants.

SR: Yes, yes, that is all fine and such, but why, after so many hundreds of years, have you gone violent. I though pacifism was your role.

OT: Our role was to be beaten and pushed around, vell no more. First dey run us out o Deutchland, bekause ve vere neutral while they fight der Thirty Years Var. Den they beat up on us and call us silly names here! Now dey klose our farms for not using their evil technology to burn our milk dead....the unholiness of that!

SR: So it was all persecution, right? Why not protest?

OT: Protest you say? We are working folk, we have work, and taking a buggy to a protest to DC is a long ride. Besides, vhat about those Tea Party bunch? Dey protest and dey make fun signs, but other den a hobby, the power of Ceasar does not give a da...hoot about none of it.
And ve vatch the moon worshippers, the Allahians, they blow things up and dey get attention and respekt. Dey get der demands. So ve starts to talking and ve figure, since the Unholy in Washengtan vont ever admit the Allahians do vhat the Allahians do and blame it always on us Amish, ve might az vell start our own Struggle!

SR: But...but...being a peaceful folk, or rather a former peaceful folk, how did you go about becoming terro...er milita...er malconte....er upset?

OT: Vhy et vas dem Allahian boys vit the girl robes, from Saudia Rabia or Rabita...ur Rabed yes yes, Saudia Rabid. De tellz us dey have some extra monies and dez nice guns dat our enemies of DC gave dem. So dey give em to us and give us dez really good pamphlets and videos, thou ve own no televisions, on how to blow thangs up.

SR: Hmmm, so you seem to have a rather bright future ahead of you. Just remember, if anyone questions you, scream racism and call us, we'll be fair and unbalanced, since the we are also 40% owned by Saudia Rabid. But really, we are just as bad...er good, as the rest of the networks, but we have a different niche to sell our books.

So good luck....and remember, blow up at least one school in Russia, at least for appearance sake. Those Orthodox are always bad news.